Unterviews:  Conversations on the bus

Conversation from August 19, 1999
Conversation from August 22, 1999
Conversation from November 4, 1999
Conversation from October 17, 2000

TODD:  Glen, what are the ten things you love most about me?
GLEN:  1) Your bus pajamas 2) Your Jerry curls 3) Your ability to eat more hot dogs at one sitting than anyone I have ever known 4) The amazing size of the watermelons you grow in the bay of the bus 5) That you gave me the Beach Boys Pet Sounds Sessions box set 6) How your singing voice sounds exactly like Celine Dion 7) How exquisitely you gurgle while you dance 8) What an excellent bus surfer you are 9) Your knowledge of ancient hieroglyphics and ability to ad lib in perfect Mandarin 10) Your super fine ratamacue
TODD:  Just let me interject how much I enjoy the onion crepes you cook up every night in your Flintstones terry cloth bath robe.
GLEN:  Why, thanks Todd. By the way, have you seen my film "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?"
TODD:  Yes I have.  I enjoyed it very much.
GLEN:  That's good. Tommy, how many bras do you believe have been thrown at you this tour?
TOMMY: Well Glen, it is my estimation that... Now, do you mean ones that were taken off and thrown or ones that were brought to the concert with the express intent of throwing at us?
GLEN:  Do you think some people are actually bringing extra bras to throw at us?
TOMMY:  Sometimes they are sweaty.  I assume these are fresh off a body.  Others seem as if they were never worn.
TODD:  You know, I think it might be a 50/50 ratio.
GLEN:  One of our techs...
TOMMY: ...whom we shall call Harry Truman...
GLEN: ...right, has been keeping these and now has an impressive collection in one of the road cases.
TODD: I think he's planning on making a quilt.
TOMMY: I must say that this tour so far has yielded more lingerie than the last two tours combined.  I am notquite sure what is sparking this phenomenon.
TODD: Animal lust for the lads in the band.
TOMMY: Lads? We're lads? I admit there has been more exposure of upper femalism this tour, but frankly the crew says it is advising women to NOT show their breasts.  They seem sincere, but there IS a Canadian on the crew now, so I am not really sure of anything any more.
GLEN:  I cannot fathom how a woman can actually remove a bra while watching a concert.  God, I admire women!  Hey, where are we now?
TODD: Could be Kansas, could be Iowa.
TOMMY: Where are we going?
GLEN: We are going to the last place where Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens played.
TODD: Big Bopper's gettin' dissed?
TOMMY: Weren't Patsy Cline, Otis Reading and Jim Croce on that plane?
GLEN: Shame on you, you bastard.
TODD: That's regoddamdiculous.
TOMMY: I admit, It was tasteless.  Please omit this from the text.
Text writer: You got it, Mr. Sissypants
TOMMY: Good.  I'd hate that to get out.   Todd, how long do you plan to drive the bus?
TODD: Till the dirty coppers stop me and pry the booze and fire arms from my dead, cold hands...
TOMMY: Glen, did it hurt when you got your nipples pierced?
GLEN: Well yes, but not nearly as much as when I got the life-sized Roy Orbison head tattooed to mybutt.Um, I think I should take this moment to describe to our dear readers how both Tommy and Todd have inserted their Billy Bob Teeth (which is what they chose to purchase at the truck stop we just pulled in + out of) and are currently laughing themselves to tears.
TOMMY: Don't change the subject Glen.  I think butt tattoos are sexy.  But why did you feel you should have Mr. Orbison with nattty dreads?  I never saw him like that.
GLEN: Because I know that Roy Orbison was really a Rastafarian trapped in a red neck's body.
TODD: I think your tattoo is hot.
GLEN: Worship my ass, bitch-types.
TOMMY: Cool.
TEXT WRITER: Hey, what if you guys played a concert with the Rolling Stones?
OTHER TEXT WRITER: Okay, what kind of deal is this we are doing?

TOMMY: How much longer must we continue Richard Simmons' Deal-A-Meal before the three of us look like Gowan?
TODD: I only have six more hams to eat until I look like him!
TOMMY: They're HAMTASTIC!
TODD: The best meat's in the rump.
GLEN: That's nice, Todd.
TODD: Tommy, what are the ten things you like most about Glen?
Tommy: 1) His minty-fresh breath when we share the same microphone. 2) That he goes along with the Styx tradition of trading sweaty pants after the show.  3) He never tires of lulling us to sleep singing Mariah Carey songs.  4) His restraint in not hitting the send button on his Tim Halloran rebuttals. 5) He lets me eat as much of his high fiber cereal as my my mind can handle. 6) His patented "Magic Disappearing Glen" act. 7) His steadfast resolve to go from Iowa to Idaho skitching off the bumper of JY's bus.  8) His ability to ad lib in perfect Latvian. 9) That sweet super-phat low end. 10) How he talks to his kids in perfect ebonics…
TODD: Cuz' Glen's from the street.
TOMMY: Wow, that's ten already?  I was just getting started.
TODD: Hey Glen, hand me that thing over there.
GLEN: OK.
TODD: Thank you.
TOMMY: Do you think that meat platter from the other night is still good?
TODD: I'm not sure but I'm not supposed to mix other meats with my hams
GLEN: You do have lovely hams, Todd.
TODD: I didn't know you noticed.
GLEN: My philosophy is that no unrefridgerated meat platter should be disposed of before it's time.
TOMMY: I hate to change the subject, but I think my buns are getting tighter from working out yesterday to our Jane Fonda tape…Do you wanna see me crack these walnuts?
GLEN: Maybe later.  I worship your butt.  Hey, we're having giant fun now, right?  What have your favorite moments been on this tour so far?
TOMMY: Everything's cool since we got our "Billy Bob Teeth."Glen: You two, along with Gowan, really have joined the Cult of the Billy Bob Teeth.
TOMMY: We thought we were out here to carry on the name of Styx, but we know now our purpose is to gointo restaurants, interacting with waitresses while wearing our new dental appliances.  Now we see what true entertainment is.
TODD: I like the times some of those things happened.  Especially that one day with the thing.  Ya know?
GLEN: Eloquently put, my man.
TODD: Well, some people have a way with words and others…have not way.
TOMMY: Did you guys forget the other night in Flenoris when that really old woman stripped down to her underpants, threw down some cardboard and started trying to spin on her head during the intro of "I Will Be Your Witness?"
GLEN: I'll never forget it.
TOMMY: I heard later that she operates the Super Himalaya at Six Flags over Flenoris.
GLEN: See?
TODD: I don't remember playing Flenoris.
TOMMY: Yes, the lines do get blurred out here sometimes, Todd.
GLEN: Tommy, could you make some coffee?
TOMMY: You want the strawberry hazelnut de-caf again?
TODD: No no n-n-no no TOMMY!  Make that new Asparaus-Chutney we got yesterday at Rikki's…

AT THIS POINT, A GRAY SUBARU HATCHBACK PULLS OUT IN FRONT OF OUR BUS IN THE LEFT LANE AND
SLOWS DOWN RAPIDLY, FORCING US TO SLAM ON THE BRAKES. MAGAZINES FLY, DISHES SLIDE.

GLEN: I really hate that people don't understand what the passing lane is for.
TODD: Now this guy is slowing down to 35 miles an hour.  He's endangering people's lives.  Billy (our beloved bus driver, big Buddy Holly fan) wants to kill this guy.
GLEN: Before someone else is killed. My heart is racing, and my adrenaline is saying hello right now.  Think  I don't need that cup of coffee right now.
TODD: Ya know what goes good with coffee? Onion Crepes.
TOMMY: Todd, would you help me with my corset?  Just give it a good pull.  I hate this thing! It's just like theone Van Morrison wears.
GLEN: Just like the one Van Halen wears.
TODD: Just like the one Van SATAN wears.
TOMMY: I never realized Missouri had such beautiful mountains.
GLEN: Well gee, thanks.  But we're in Montana.  Pass the dental floss.
TODD: St. Louis, Misery.
TOMMY: I swear I thought I saw, in the back of that gray Subaru back there, a bass drum with "The Halloran Hullabaloo Band" written on it in the back, maybe I was mistaken. He kinda looked like Robert Hillburn.  Or that writer in Nashville who confused Gowan for Dennis.
GLEN: Have you eaten ostrich?
TODD: Yeah, ostrich burgers.
TOMMY: Nope, not me
GLEN: It's the "Meat of the 21st Century" I tell ya!
TOMMY: Did you ever get "Orange-Thumb"?
GLEN: what from?
TOMMY: From peeling oranges
GLEN: Sure.  I'm King of the Orange Peelers, you know.
TOMMY: Well all right then.  The other day I got a bad Pistachio-Thumb.  I thought I couldn't continue in the  entertainment business.  But it is better now.
TOMMY: Glen, did you see all the Corn Nuts in that truck stop?
GLEN: No.
TODD: Where?
GLEN: Sounds like an affliction-"Corn Nuts…"
TOMMY: There were three rows of them-Ranch, Italian Pizza, Barbecue, Sour Cream & Onions
GLEN: And regular flavor?
TOMMY: You bet, hammerhead.
GLEN: See?
TODD: Any Billy Bob Teeth?
TOMMY: No.
TODD: Damn.
TODD: Tommy, I didn't say any of that.  YOU typed it as if I said it. So THIS is what it feels like--when doves cry…
TOMMY: Well, yes, I did.  You guys weren't saying anything funny.
GLEN: It isn't right to do that.  Besides, I resent the constant pressure to be funny.  I feel used.  I am a human being with real feelings, ya know.
TODD (in his best John Merrick voice): He is not an animal!
TOMMY: Right.  So this is Minnesota, huh?  Beautiful...
TODD: The high country of Minnesota.
GLEN: MONTANA.  For crying out loud you guys…
TODD:  Stop knit-picking Glen.
TOMMY: Yeah Glen.
TODD: See?
GLEN: See, what?  Look out the window.  What does that sign say?
TODD: Butte…
TOMMY: That's in Montana Glen.  Why did you say we were in Minnesota?
GLEN: What!?
TODD: See?

On November 4th, 1999, The Baby Bus left New Orleans on a day trip to Ft. Smith, Arkansas.  We thought it would be a good opportunity for Glen and Tommy to clear the air and tell the world what was really going on in STYX.

TOMMY:  So Glen, now that Todd isn't here, what do you really think of him?
GLEN: He's creepy, perhaps the creepiest drummer in the world.  Don't you think?
TOMMY: Yes, whatever you say Glen, but I still think he has a cute butt.  My problem is that he insists on speaking in that phony Spanish accent like Kathleen Turner, and complaining about his room being much better when he was on tour with Brian Wilson.
TOMMY: How have you handled the tour following your, um, reduction procedure?
GLEN: I feel much better now that my royalty rate has been so significantly reduced.  It is a load off my accountant. How is your prosthesis?
TOMMY: I feel like the extension has really helped me reach that G note I was having such a hard time finding with my regular digits.
JEANNE:  Make sure you tell everybody about those big damn shoes Todd wears.
TOMMY:  The mirrored ones where he looks up girls' skirts?
GLEN: Where is that bastard Todd any way?
TOMMY:  I think he complained about his having to be around us so much that JY got him his own transportation, a 1983 custom van with a real nice mural on the side.  One of those signs on the back that says "If this van's a'rockin' don't come a'knockin'
GLEN: Him and his smoking jacket and slippers.  He's such an elitist
TOMMY:  And all he does is play his "Falling Wallendas" CDs day and night insisting they would all be perfect songs for STYX.  He is kinda creepy.  I like the bus better now, don't you?
GLEN: Absolutely.  Now Bubba has a chance to tell jokes.  Whereas before he couldn't get a word in edgewise
TOMMY:  And we don't need Todd in order to be funny, do we?
GLEN:  Right.  We've learned from this.  We're confident to find humor on our own without his prima dona attitude.
TOMMY:  Yep. I fully expect this interview to get funny any time now
GLEN: Me too.  How 'bout them Yankees?
TOMMY: Damn their eyes.
GLEN: What do you mean by that?
TOMMY:  I don't know.  It was funny when Gene Wilder said it in Young Frankenstein.
GLEN:  Hmm  Cause I know it from that Martin Short movie
TOMMY: It's funny, right?
GLEN:  I don't know-what do YOU think?
TOMMY:  I think we should get dressed.  The naked bus thing is making me feel bad.
GLEN: JY insisted this was the preferred style of travel on your bus.
TOMMY: No, man.  JY said it was the only way you would agree to go on this tour.
GLEN:  So JY's a liar too!
TOMMY:  Why, if he was here right now I'd give him a piece of my mind, I would.
GLEN:  I'd climb on your shoulders and punch his kneecap! I would put pants on first, of course.
TOMMY:  This is how it begins.  The slow unraveling of a band.
GLEN:  I miss Todd.  Don't you?

Unterview (UV) had a chance to speak to the reclusive riders of the baby bus on a recent day trip across the province of Quebec in Easten Canada.  Here's what they had to say to our correspon-dunce:

UV:    Todd, what would make you give up your US citizenship and move to Canada?
TODD:  Uh... I would never cheat on Lady Liberty although Canada is "enchanté".
UV:     Glen, inside your heart, what is your soul's true hair color?
GLEN: Paisley.
UV:     Todd, What is your favorite STYX song to wear women's clothes to?
TODD:  That's easy.  Aku Aku.  I just sort of saunter around the house to that one.
GLEN:   It's the most Feng Shui STYX song...
UV:     Glen, what is your favorite guitar for mixing mortar?
GLEN:  Cementacaster.
UV:     Glen, when you wrote "Love is the Ritual, what kind of hair products were you using?
GLEN:  Aqua Net Stiff Stuff and lots of teasing.  I was like a f***ing girl.  The bigger the hair, the closer to God.
TODD:  I like Glen better now that he had his hair lowered.
UV:     Todd, When you first began to read music at age 5, were you using any hair products at that time?
TODD:  Johnson's Baby Shampoo.  Known as Baby-Poo.
UV:     Glen, where were you when Kentucky Fried Chicken first introduced their "Extra Crispy" recipe?
GLEN:  Working at Kentucky Fried Chicken at the corner of Georges Road and Milltown Road in North Brunswick and I still haven't gotten over it.
TODD: Which is near "New Improved Brunswick..."
UV:     Tommy, when you were recording the 20 piece string orchestral opening for "Witness" with Ron Nevison and arranger David Campbell, did you have bangs or was your hair still looking like David Spade's?
TOMMY:  We found it very hard to concentrate with all the string players, engineers, and my gangsta posse constantly referring to me as Mista Spade, so we sent the limo for Jose Eber.  He recommended pigtails.
UV:  Todd, I notice you switched from Sonor drums to Ayotte drums in the last 12 months.  Were you using any particular hair products at the time you decided to switch?  And did that effect your decision to change companies?
TODD:    I change drum companies every time I change hair products.  Ayotte seems to work well with TIGI Bed Head products.
UV:  Glen, I understand you have quite a few relatives in Germany who will be coming to the shows when you perform there this month.  What different hair colors have they tried and do they plan to change their color again out of respect for your concerts?
GLEN:  Most Germans have paisley hair.  Well, originally the Aryan race had more of a Peter Max-looking do.
UV:    Is it true when you were a teen-ager you got kicked out of class for dying your hair plaid?
GLEN:  Fortuitously, The Bay City Rollers were peaking just at that point, so it led to me becoming senior class president.
UV:  Todd, I noticed when we stopped at the truck stop, everyone but you went for chicken soup.  But you broke ranks and went to the fried chicken counter and got a number 6 tasty meal.  Does this signal a division in the STYX camp and can we expect more of this kind of alienation and despair from the road?
TODD: It is a sign that the hour of purification is at hand.  All things will be cleansed with fire.  Damn that was some tasty chicken.
UV:  Glen, I understand STYX plans to record more and more live shows outside the US for their archives.  Do you plan to seek out any new skin care products as the tour continues and are your clothes really real?
GLEN:  I'm more interested in astral projection than skin care products what with Cyberspace and all.
TODD:  I thought you were more interested in the Houston Astros
GLEN:  I am looking forward to many more out of body experiences.
TODD:  I agree with Glen,  there's lots of larning to be done without your fancy books and Innernets
UV:   Of all the show biz legends you have ever met and worked with, who has had the most profound effect on your hair?
GLEN:  That's a really good question.
TODD:  Tony Curtis, Rip Taylor, Ricardo Mantalbon, and that guy on the weather channel at night.
UV:     You worked with Ricardo Montalbon?
TODD:   No but my dad's friend had a Chrysler Cordoba.
UV:     Todd, is it true that you are in discussions with Mayor Daily to change the name of Chicago to Todd's Hot Mamma Town?
TODD:  Yes, my office received calls from the mayor expressing interest.  But in the end the city council voted it down.  I heard they were also considering the name GoddammitscoldithinkI'llhavesomebreandyville.  We'll know by Tuesday.
UV:     Here's a hair question for you Tommy.  How do you keep the nape of your neck so smooth and soft?
TOMMY:  It is an old southern remedy of meat tenderizer, strip-ease and crushed lobster claw shells.  I discovered it at a family reunion food fight when my cousin knocked me out with a concrete block and a stranger fixed me up a poultice.
TODD:   Well that recipe works.  You have one smooth nape.
UV:   Now that Slobedon Milosevich has abdicated power, do you still plan to carry out your diabolical plan to reenact the making of Palookaville as a Celtic Buzby Berkley dance marathon in the streets of Belgrade?
GLEN:  I would, but I believe Disney has beat me to it.
UV:     Tommy, what's yopur favorite Beethoven poem?
TOMMY:  That is easy.  "Mein Offen Macht Sheisse."  My grandfather used to recite it to me on the front porch.  An old family fav.
TODD:  Hey Glen, have you seen my one man play, "Barnacle Uterus?"
GLEN:  Todd, you're so awesome, you have achieved complete and total heaviosity.
TODD:  Thanks.  It's still a work in progress.
UV:     Todd, with your play in the works and your ongoing arms sales to third world counties, how do you find time to run your own underground ToddMart sweatshops?
TODD:  Well you know I love kids.  I love that expression on their face when they get that shiny dime at the end of the day.  That's my passion.  The gun thing is strictly business.
UV:   So it's all just for the kids?
TODD:  Ultimately isn't it ALL just for the kids?